And this is the crazy thing: It’s true. And that is fucking scary.

I don’t remember being so vulnerable before. I’ve let her take hold of me in places I can be hurt. I’ve been a closed book for so long. I’ve been sealed against hurt, against pain, against the threat of rejection and the anguish of losing someone I care about. This is the first time I feel true love for someone and it’s terrifying. I’m laid bare. I’m wide open. She could destroy me.

I want to put the walls back up. Get back in my shell. Put some emotional distance between us like there has been between me and all who have gone before her. I want to protect myself from the pain she can cause me. I want to do all these things and I know through sheer effort of will I can. I can detach. I have done it before and I could do it again. It’s like a switch in my mind.

But as much as I want to protect myself, I also want to love her and feel that love reciprocated. I want to feel a part of something, a part of someone. I want that someone to be her.

So I put myself at great risk. I risk everything on this. Since aged 13 a closed shop, always protected, and now 21 years later I’m taking a chance. A chance which has been remote since it first flickered into my life. We have been through and survived so much since we met. No matter what trials and tribulations the world threw at us we got through them. Now we’re at the cusp of something glorious. Something to treasure for a life time. And just at the point where the prize is to be had. Just at the point where we can finally be together, I get scared.

She told me she loved me. And when we are together I feel loved. And I love her right back. What am I so scared of?

So then when tonight I’m told that I am not having him over night on Friday, two hence, it’s okay for me to be ever so completely fucking pissed off isn’t it?

Yeah, I thought so. No notice. I wasn’t even asked! Instead I’m told that the situation has changed. No rights to disagree with the decision she has arbitrarily made about our arrangement without consulting me.

What can I do about it? Nothing. I can only remain calm. Rise above it.

Now we can enjoy us.

The last couple of days have been interest. After the Facebook rant (which was deleted shortly after) almost all communication has stopped. Monday we walked to the School for parents evening – he’s doing really well – and conversation was stunted. I really tried too, to make conversation, to act normal despite knowing how awful she’d been. Like I said, I’m being the adult, the bigger person, there is no need to retaliate by being a cunt to her, you know? Besides, I can kinda understand why she did it, and here is the reason why:

Last weekend her messages went along the lines of, ‘I’m just hoping for you to say your coming home’, and ‘I love you & hate not talking to you or seeing you.’ Then a week later I’m the bastard who is forcing her out of her home – which she knows she cannot afford to stay in. She’s lashing out because she’s hurt. The email I sent was a realisation for her that it’s over. I’m never going back. I have moved on. She does not feature in my future. I do care about her and I always will. There is little I can do to change that even if I wanted to. But her feelings run deep and this is going to be tough for her. I guess whilst she was living there and I was still part-owner there was a chance I would go back. Do not get me wrong, I did think about it. I really did. But I know it would be stupid. It would be just another try and something doomed to fail. Because she could not pluck up the courage to deal with her issues whilst we were together why is she going to do it whilst we are apart? Best for us to go our separate ways, and if she cannot be my friend or respect that selling the house is right for all of us. If she can’t understand why I begrudge paying towards the mortgage on a house I don’t live in, then it’s for the best that we limit our contact.

Of course I could be COMPLETELY wrong (but I’m usually dead right).

It’s all about the boy now. That’s the future. That’s what matters. That’s what counts. He’s the most important person in my life.

…Him and one other.

Little Miss My Ex has been on a Facebook status rampage and her gaggle of bitter old hags have had a field day chipping in with opinions they’d not dare say to my face. From, “U wanna get onto CSA” (this from a woman who, coincidentally, hasn’t told her kids who their respective Fathers are and lives off benefits because she didn’t get onto CSA) to “I think he’d feel it if you cut off his todger!!”

I am kinda annoyed by it all although I am trying not to be. It’s a lot of blowing off steam, but I can’t help but be a little bit pissed off that she would allow – and even encourage – an opinion of me which is false/fake/untrue. I have never used Facebook to get at her, to say anything about her, I’ve never used it to rub her face in my ability to move on quickly after the split. I’ve tried to do right by her even though SHE kicked ME out, and now I’m getting flak for finally telling her I won’t be able to fund her lifestyle any more. The shit about ‘getting me through the CSA’ is fucking retarded. I submitted myself to them when we broke up previously and she backed out preferring to keep our voluntary arrangement going. I have always paid my way. I have always paid what is due of me. It’s just that now I am paying for two houses, and I’m not rich enough to be able to afford it. I can’t continue with this arrangement. I need my life back. But, I’m not going to vent on Facebook in front of 30+ mutual ‘friends’ because I am not getting my own way.

There is an adult way of doing things, I’m trying, really fucking hard, to be that adult.

Do I need that? No, not really. It’s a nice to have not a must have. I’m sure that in time she will understand why I have said what I said and why I intend to do what I must do. It’s just that right now she doesn’t get it, she just thinks I’m being a complete cocklehead, selfish, bastard-like.

I’m not. Not this time.

The situation is simple: We are no longer together. We are to have separate lives. We are to have a relationship based firmly around The Boy and nothing else. It’s taken me a few months to realise this and to act upon it. I don’t want to go into the reasons or what changed or what recent fucking revelations made me go, “Oh my God, she really didn’t love me at all because if she DID she would have DONE SOMETHING about it.”

The situation is as it is. It’s time to accept and act.

I emailed her yesterday and outlined my position:

~ I’m no longer going to pay towards her house. I will never see any return on my investment so why do I need to continue to pay?
~ I’ll ALWAYS pay what I need to for The Boy.
~ We can either sell the house, take what we can and then manage the probable debt from the sale.
~ Or she gets her parents to guarantor her mortgage and they help her keep the house.

If the house goes under because we default on the mortgage that’s something I am just going to have to deal with. It will royally fuck up some plans I have, but my happiness now is more important than something which might happen in the future.

I hate that it has come to that, but I know she’d sit on it and be happy that I was tied to the house for the next 30 years. This is an unacceptable state of affairs for me. The sooner I am out, the better.

The sooner I am out, the better.

Whoever said that is a cockend.

Is this dream telling me that I have been neglecting him or that I don’t pay enough attention to him and something bad is going to happen as a result? I don’t mean like it’s a portent. I don’t believe in that, but perhaps my dream is warning me that The Boy needs me and I am not there for him to guide him and keep him safe. Odd.

I’m not going to put my life on hold whilst she fails to control our child. I’m not going to wait around for her to decide if I can see him or not. This is NOT FAIR on me and it’s not fair on Tom. I have to get on with my life. I have other things to be doing than sitting here waiting for an agreed visit which never happens.

I’ not sure if she is being a difficult bastard or if she just has no idea how horrible it is for me right now. He’s my child too and I have a right to see him – regardless of if he is playing with someone or not! I’m doing my best not to rage at her via message, down the phone, or by marching over there and making a scene. How fucking DARE she go back on what we agreed. HOW FUCKING DARE SHE!? I’m busting my balls to keep them in that house and living on a fucking shoe string as a result. All I want it a few hours on the weekend but it seems that is too much for her to be able to manage.

Angry, hurt, pissed off and bitter.

/rant