I really miss my boy. Today he said to me, ‘please don’t leave daddy because I love you so much’. What the hell do you say to something like that? I cried, he cried. I hate that I make him sad. I feel like such a bad person yet I know I am doing this for all the right reasons.
This is the first post I have made in over a month. I have not been able to sit down and write out how much this entire break up has hurt me. Destroyed me. Made me hate myself and despise what I have done. It’s not about her. It was never about her. Ever. Sorry to say. It’s always been about the boy and always will. I told him again tonight that he will always be my baby boy, and when he’s 10 or 18 or 30 or 50, he still will. Incredibly, this tiny little oblivious creature has made me feel like I can love. Unconditionally. That’s quite a revelation to this burned out,washed up, self loathing old man. It feels fucking awful that I am doing this to someone who I care about so much, but I know it is absolutely the right thing to do.
I moved out four weeks ago and I have seen Tom very little since then. I want to see him every day but I am conscious that I need to keep the ex on side. She holds all the cards. What she says goes. We do not see eye to eye on this. To me – and based on how badly he takes me leaving every time – the more he sees me the better. If I see him every day (!) he’ll know he’s going to see me and that will lessen the impact of my leaving. The less he sees of me the less he thinks he’s going to see me and the harder each parting becomes. The boys next door to him have told him that his Dad is dead. Can you imagine how that makes me feel? Gutted; the absolute worst.
It will get better. I know it will get better. It has to. He won’t even remember this. He won’t even remember the break up and the difficult process of arranging regular visits. But he would have remembered a life of arguing and a persistent atmosphere of hostility and indifference. I know that the way forward is getting the boy into a good routine where he sees me often. That’s healthy and something we can all work on. I just hope it doesn’t take too many tears to get there.
The worst of times? Yes. But I’ve been enjoying the best of times too these last couple weeks. Someone special has helped me comes to terms with what I am going through. Made me realise that there is life after _____. Made me feel good about being me. Made my life positive. She doesn’t realise just how awesome she is and that is part of the attraction. I don’t want to say too much. It’s early, early days. But she is one of my two favourite people in the world. You know when you meet someone who makes you feel you can be you? She’s that person.
Nice to see an update – you are getting through a difficult process remarkably well! But the boy will remember this. And he’ll also remember how both of you conducted yourselves. I distinctly remember one parting where Dad had me and my sister one on each knee sat on the stairs and we all cried. 20 odd years later I cannot understand why my mother was so angry with him that she refused to let her kids see their Daddy more. I suppose a piece of me will never forgive her. But I know that he did all he could and he loved us and your boy will know that too.
It’s good to hear there is some happiness come into your life. Early days, when your heart is just considering that it could maybe maybe maybe wake up again are wonderful. Enjoy them.
Thanks and yeah I’m trying to conduct myself well for both the boy and the ex. She’s important to me and always will be. Even though she sometimes makes things hard I don’t think it’s out of any malice. She genuinely wants what’s best for him and so do I. As always though, we don’t see eye to eye on everything.
People keep telling me ‘it will get easier’ and I believe what they’re saying. I just hope the easy comes soon. Every morning this week he’s said to me ‘I cried for you last night’. Hard to hear.
But as bad as it sometimes is, I know the alternative is much, much worse. Staying with someone ‘for the kids’ is the worst decision you can make. Better to be apart and happy than spend a life of misery and regret out of some misguided loyalty or morality.
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