The more I think about it, the more I think that she doesn’t actually want to be a girlfriend, she just wants to be a Mother. That’s not a bad thing, but, you know, it is possible to be both at the same time. They’re not mutually exclusive. I don’t think I factor into her life in any way other than as a provider of (seed and) money. Each month I pay towards this house, so that she can have her little perfect life. So that the boy can have a nice place to grow up. I don’t resent that. I want a nice place to live too, and I want the boy to have a brilliant childhood filled with fun memories. I want him to have a safe stable home he can grow up in. Somewhere for him to belong. Safe. Secure. Comfortable.
We see eye to eye on so much to do with the boy that it’s difficult to pick out anything we don’t agree on. We both want to provide this for our son.
But I am growing to believe this is where the eye to eye ends. I don’t feel I am sharing this life with her. I feel like I am a bit part actor in this story. Like I don’t matter. I don’t think she loves me. I mean, maybe she does, but I cannot envisage ever loving someone and not wanting to share myself with them. You know, that old cliche, body and soul. Not just genes and money. Perhaps she was just looking for someone to have a child / family with. In which case, why has she kept me here for five years? To provide? No, it can’t be that. She used to manage perfectly well by herself. I wasn’t needed or wanted. So what then? Maybe I just need to stop being a chickenshit motherfucker and ask the question:
“What do you want from me?”